Dealing with Ego in the Workplace: What’s Wrong with a Little Competition?
Egos exist in all industries, some more than others. However, there is a difference between having a big ego (see also: weak ego) and having a strong ego (or a strong personality).
A big ego is often used in the negative and is akin to a “weak” ego. The person with the “big” or “weak” ego needs constant validation and feels threatened by anyone whom they perceive to be more intelligent, more attractive, or having more of any desirable trait than they perceive themselves to have.
A strong ego, on the other hand, is often described as having a strong personality. Have you ever heard someone say, “We couldn’t work together because we both have strong personalities?” But, what does that really mean?
Contrary to the interchangeable usage of the two words, there is a distinction between “ego” and “personality.” They are not the same thing. A person can be charming, attractive, nurturing, kind, generous — these are all personality traits. They are traits that a person displays outwardly. Ego, however, is the part that is hidden underneath or in the inner persona. In psychoanalysis, the ego is the superficial part of the id (our impulses or inclinations).
The Positive and the Negative
When we talk about someone as having a “big e,go” we are actually describing their sense of self or self-image, which is influenced by many different facto,rs including pride, societal standards, our defense mechanisms, self-esteem, social status, and past experiences. So when we negatively refer to someone as having a big ego, we usually mean they have a high opinion of themselves, they think they are the best, the most worthy, that theirs is the most important opinion, or in many cases, that they are always right, even when they are wrong. Of course, self-perception doesn’t always mirror the truth.
A strong ego or strong personality, on the other hand, holds more of a positive connotation. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy self-image or a strong sense of self-worth. Everyone wants to feel good about themselves. Many successful people have positive big egos — they believe in themselves and are driven to succeed and overcome obstacles — it is when those positives turn into harmful, delusional thinking that having a big ego turns negative.
A person with a negative big ego is more aptly described as an egomaniac and that is what this article focuses on. Having a negative big ego can lead an individual to display undesirable and often disdainful personality traits such as arrogance or hubris which ultimately makes them less likable. Just because someone has a negative big ego doesn’t necessarily mean they have crossed the line over into narcissism either, but it is definitely an unhealthy condition and can lead to egotistical or narcissistic behavior.
The Problem with Ego in the Workplace
The problem with big egos in the workplace is that they can ultimately cause harm to the people who have to endure them, such as targeting other people by putting them down or insulting them to achieve an ego boost. I am not talking about sociopathic behavior here — society often thinks of sociopaths or people suffering from an antisocial personality disorder as those who use and target other people to boost their ego, but that is only one symptom of sociopathy. We have to be careful not to label all egomaniacs as suffering from a greater ailment, especially since most of us are not trained psychologists.
Typically, egomaniacs manifest themselves in the workplace as those individuals who refuse to admit when they are wrong and often diminish others’ achievements. They may also attempt to undermine their co-worker's accomplishments by sabotaging or derailing projects through passive-aggressive behavior.
I have a strong ego and sometimes my ego gets bruised. I am a professional woman. I am a mother. I am a writer. I am an adjunct professor. I believe in myself because I was raised to believe that hard work and perseverance lead to success, and I have always strived for self-improvement. So you could say I have a big ego. However, I know my self-worth — I value myself as a person, as an individual, and my self-confidence is high. Have I failed? Sure. Have I been wrong? Of course. But I have always been a survivor and my self-image is strong enough that when I am knocked down, I learn from my mistakes and keep moving forward.
I consider myself to have a strong personality. I make decisions quickly, I don’t like excuses, and I assert myself when the situation calls for it. I have learned to be careful about who I let into my life. I know who I am, and I don’t let other people put me in a box. I despise small talk and cannot stand ignorance or insensitivity. I am a woman who doesn’t need validation, and I take risks even when I feel a little uncertain or insecure.
The egomaniac will often claim to have a strong personality, but they are the opposite — they tend to flounder, they are unsure a lot, they make a lot of excuses to keep them in their position of power, they align themselves with people who will support their narrative, they are often fake and engage in small talk rather than deep conversation, they need all kinds of validation, and they are oftentimes the ones who display ignorance and insensitivity towards others.
My motto has always been, “Take no shit, but do no harm.” There is no need to steamroll others to get ahead.
People with unhealthy egos often portray themselves as the victor. Every good idea is their idea, and they garner all the glory and thus the favor of the VIPs. And sometimes, that sneaky and, dare I say it, narcissistic behavior goes a long way.
Normal, hardworking people don’t seek out recognition for everything. They have integrity. They get the job done because that is what they are paid to do. The same is true of strong leaders. They recognize their team’s hard work instead of seeking self-gratifying praise. Unfortunately, it is often the well-liked people with loads of personal and professional integrity who get passed over for promotions in favor of another candidate whom nobody in the organization likes or respects.
In any organization, you will have professional disagreements with coworkers — it’s a given, but you can’t make it personal. You must do what is right for the organization instead of what is best for you. Some people haven’t learned this. To those people, their career is about their own ego — the title, the power, the validation — whatever they need to feel good about themselves.
Ultimately, when you are dealing with egomaniacs at work, you can’t let your own ego get in the way. There are some people out there who just play the game better—they like the game, they live for the game—and they are always in competition with their colleagues and their peers. At the end of the day, the only person you should really compete with is yourself.
Easier said than done, right? A little healthy competition is never a bad thing, but if you find yourself feeling animosity towards others in your workplace or in your industry as a whole who are succeeding, you may need to reevaluate your own ego.
Female vs. Male Rivalry
According to a research study published in the Harvard Business Review, “women and men respond differently when offered the opportunity to compete in the workplace.”
Most people would probably agree that men tend to be more competitive than women. But, competition between men is often dismissed by the old adage, “boys will be boys.” Competitive women on the other hand are more likely to be labeled as petty or backstabbing bitches.
“The idea of destroying our competition goes very deep within our psyche and our culture's messaging. We (women) pretend we don’t do it. Because when you’re raised to be a good girl, you wouldn’t do anything that nasty or unsettling,” says author Susan Shapiro Bash in “Tripping the Prom Queen.”
Dealing with Mean Girls in the Workplace
Since I work solely with women, I love the quote: “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.” Once upon a time, I didn’t feel this way. Early in my career, I considered other women my competition. The more talented and ambitious a woman was, the more of a threat she was to me. Part of that was immaturity and inexperience, but it set me up to believe that it was rare for women to celebrate other women’s accomplishments.
Another contributing factor to female rivalry in the workplace is the scarcity of leadership positions for women. Male-dominated workplaces set women up to compete against each other for these coveted positions.
Katherine Crowley and Kathi Ester, co-authors of “Mean Girls at Work: How to Stay Professional When Things Get Personal,” claim: “Women are complicated. While most of us want to be kind and nurturing, we struggle with our darker side — feelings of jealousy, envy, and competition. While men tend to compete in an overt manner — jockeying for position and fight to be crowned ‘winners’ — women often compete more covertly and behind the scenes. This covert competition and indirect aggression is at the heart of mean behavior among women at work.”
Bonnie Marcus, author of the Forbes article, “The Dark Side of Female Rivalry in the Workplace and What to do About It,” gives the following tips for handling this kind of unhealthy rivalry. She says:
Detach emotionally. Women are emotional creatures, but constantly festering over the “unfairness of the situation” stems from the feeling of control. By focusing on what we can control positively and productively we can take our power back.
Build a power network. You can protect your reputation at work by getting to know your organization's key influencers and stakeholders. Think of it as “proactive damage control.” We tend to stand up for those who know, like, and trust. “If you fear someone is out to damage your reputation and slander you in the presence of” those in power, make sure they know who you are and what you stand for.
Find a mentor (or a coach) who can give you advice on how to deal with your rival on a daily basis. Having a mentor or a sponsor in the workplace will not only protect you, but that person can actively advocate for you when the shit hits the fan.
Strengthen your confidence. Document your accomplishments and identify your value proposition so you can articulate how you have contributed to positive business outcomes for those in power.
Control your career destiny. Once you have identified a career goal, create a strategic plan and share it with your coach or mentor so they can hold you accountable.
Be a role model for collaboration OVER competition. This, in my estimation, is the most important strategy of them all. Stand up for other women. Praise and celebrate other women for their accomplishments, even if it is a goal you hope to attain one day.
So the next time you feel that little green-eyed monster rise up inside you, try reflecting on why you are feeling this way, and THEN(and this is the uncomfortable part) reach out to that woman and congratulate her on her win. Shower her with praise and validation. If it’s a post on social media, share it, like it, and comment on it. Normalize women celebrating women.
Remember, a little moment of envy is perfectly normal. We are, after all, only human, but if you find that envy and jealousy are consuming you, there is no shame in seeking help. Most likely there are other factors at work such as fear, or lack of self-esteem and confidence. There are many blogs, self-help books, and podcasts that can help you overcome your insecurities.
